It’s summer, the sun is out, and people are wanting to connect!
There’s often a dating boom in summer–the weather is finally clear, there are a lot more community events and festivals and markets to make the most of, and traditionally it’s a time of more flexibility and free time. So it’s no surprise that we want to fill it with connecting with others! If you’re using this summer to jump back into the dating and relationship world, have you considered the role of self compassion in your dating experience?
What is self compassion?
It’s exactly what it sounds like–self compassion is the practice of extending the same compassion that you would extend to others to yourself. That means you’re not assuming the worst of yourself, you’re giving yourself patience and understanding, and reminding yourself that your mistakes are not your identity.
It also means being gentle with yourself and recognizing honestly what obstacles you face and what burdens you’re managing. When you’re able to hold all of these things in your mind, you’re able to look at yourself a little more kindly, and not judge your behavior so immediately or harshly.
So why does self compassion matter when you’re dating?
Dating, while often very fun, can be a vulnerable experience. You’re constantly putting yourself out there, trying to connect with new people, and hoping they’ll like you as much as you like them! It can be easy to get caught up in a negative mindset in that sort of situation–where pleasing others so that they like you becomes the most important thing.
When you factor self compassion into the experience, it’s a reminder to check in with yourself. Ask yourself how you’re feeling and be compassionate to the answer. If you’re feeling like someone isn’t giving you the same care or attention you’re giving them, self compassion allows you to recognize that as a need of yours that isn’t being met, whereas self criticism would have just judged you for being “too needy.”
In this way, self compassion is a key component to evaluating and respecting your boundaries while you date.
When we’re aware and respectful of our boundaries, we’re able to protect that energy we need for dating much better. And it helps give us confidence that we can take care of ourselves, and that we will respect our own needs.
When you’re not able to protect that energy or enforce your boundaries, dating itself can start to get toxic and unhealthy. You may become emotionally burned out, which makes recognizing red flags and boundary violations that much harder–not to mention how much harder it makes addressing them! When this happens, you can find yourself stuck in patterns trying to get people to like you, rather than trying to genuinely connect with them, which can leave you feeling even lonelier than before, exacerbating the entire cycle.
Self compassion allows you to connect with new people authentically, so that your own needs and desires are not ignored or overshadowed by theirs. By prioritizing self compassion as you date, you’re setting yourself up for more valuable, fulfilling relationships.
Pivotal Counseling Center has therapists who work with couples and specialize in couples counseling and relationship issues. We have locations in Woodstock, Illinois, and Lake in the Hills, Illinois. If you are in need of someone to help, please consider giving us a call at (815) 345-3400.
