What are Attachment Styles?

What are attachment styles?

Attachment styles are patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving in relationships that often develop during childhood based on early experiences with caregivers. The four primary attachment styles are secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant (disorganized). These attachment patterns can influence communication, trust, intimacy, and emotional connection throughout life.

Sometimes, the intensity of romantic relationships can make people act in ways they normally wouldn’t. Whether it be jealousy, clinginess, or genuine discomfort with the idea of commitment, these negative feelings can often get the best of us if we allow them to take control. But have you ever wondered why we experience these thoughts and feelings with a significant other? While there are many reasons for these feelings, attachment theory and attachment styles play a significant role in the way you and your partner relate to one another. 

What is attachment theory?

Attachment theory, introduced in the 1950’s by psychiatrists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, explores the quality of an infant’s bond with their primary caregiver and its overall impact on future relationships. From these studies came four identifiable attachment styles:

• Secure attachment
• Anxious attachment
• Avoidant-dismissive attachment
• Disorganized attachment

If a child can consistently and reliably depend on their caregiver to provide them with comfort, affection and basic needs, they’re more likely to develop a secure attachment style. On the other hand, children who cannot rely on their caregivers to give them these basic needs are more at risk to develop one of the three insecure attachment styles – anxious, avoidant-dismissive, or disorganized attachment. 

The 4 main attachment styles

Secure Attachment

• Comfortable with intimacy and trust.

Anxious Attachment

• Often fears rejection and seeks reassurance.

Avoidant Attachment

• Values independence and may avoid emotional closeness.

Disorganized Attachment

• Desires connection but fears vulnerability and rejection.

Secure Attachment Style

Secure attachment is about having the ability to confidently build healthy, long-lasting relationships, and is formed when a child’s physical and emotional needs are fulfilled by their primary caregiver. 

People with secure attachment tend to be more confident, easy to connect with, and comfortable in close relationships. They’re more likely to trust their partner and willing to share with them their wants and needs, while also being emotionally available for them. 

People with a secure attachment style aren’t perfect, however, and also go through relationship troubles like everyone else. Fortunately, they also tend to be good communicators who can effectively manage conflict and express their needs.

Anxious Attachment Style

Anxious attachment, also known as anxious-ambivalent or preoccupied attachment, is an insecure attachment style that develops in a child whose caregivers provided them with inconsistent support. 

People with anxious attachment are likely to have lower self-esteem, issues with jealousy, and a deep fear of rejection and abandonment.These fears and insecurities make them ultimately feel like they’re unworthy of love, and dependent on constant reassurance and validation from their partners. Because of this, people with anxious attachment are often labeled as “clingy” or “needy.”

Avoidant Attachment style

Avoidant (or dismissive) attachment style develops in a child who had strict or emotionally distant and absent caregivers. While basic needs for food and protection were met, their emotional needs were not, which eventually teaches the child to fend for themselves for such support.

People with avoidant attachment are often emotionally guarded and have difficulty expressing their feelings. They tend to develop a strong sense of independence, convincing themselves they don’t need anyone in their life, often resulting in isolation and a sense of mistrust in others.

Because of their issues with intimacy, avoidant-attached adults tend to shy away from romantic relationships or struggle to reach any depth. They are unlikely to seek emotional comfort from their partner or understand how to comfort them emotionally when required, which eventually results in that partner feeling stonewalled or dismissed.

Disorganized Attachment style

Also known as fearful-avoidant, disorganized attachment is considered the most extreme and least common attachment style. It is characterized as intense, unpredictable and extremely inconsistent behavior in relationships that stem from intense fear as a result of childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse.

People with disorganized attachment possess similar traits as those with avoidant or anxious attachment, such as fear of rejection and trust issues, but their inability to properly regulate or express their emotions intensifies these feelings until they become unmanageable. 

Disorganized-attached adults tend to exhibit unpredictable or contradictory behavior in relationships, shifting between being emotionally distant and aloof and clingy and emotional. Disorganized attachment is also associated with mental health conditions like mood and personality disorders, which can contribute to difficulty in relating to others. 

How to identify your attachment style

You may gain insight into your attachment style by noticing:

• How you respond to conflict
• Your comfort with emotional intimacy
• Your fears in relationships
• Your communication patterns
• Your reactions to closeness and distance

Attachment styles at a glance