12 Resources to Help you “Fight Fair” in Your Relationship

Conflict in any relationship is unavoidable. Romantic relationships in particular–while deeply rewarding and fulfilling–can have us bumping against childhood wounds, traumas from past relationships, or other triggers that can make navigating conflict when it comes up even harder.

But knowing how to navigate these moments in a compassionate and productive manner is one of the key tenets of a strong relationship. That’s not to say that it’s easy, because it’s not! Most of us were taught methods of protecting ourselves when conflict arises, rather than being taught how to approach conflict with vulnerability and curiosity.

The idea of “fighting fair” is meant to convey that it’s not conflict itself that should be avoided, but that there is a way to make it through conflict in a way that considers both people involved, and lays a foundation for a stronger team moving forward. Fighting fair isn’t about someone winning and someone losing, it’s about figuring out what is at the heart of the conflict, and approaching that as a team.

Part of being able to have productive conflict within relationships means having to take accountability for how you show up. No one is perfect in conflict, and missteps don’t make you a bad person. But in order to learn how to navigate conflict with your partner, rather than against them, you need to be able to understand what you’re bringing to the situation and what else may be coming up for you.

To help you learn to fight fair in your relationship, we’ve gathered 12 resources to help you show up in conflict with vulnerability and compassion:

For your own work:

Many times when conflict comes up in relationships, we’re actually responding to our own histories, and not what is happening in the present moment. Cultivating self awareness on your attachment style, how that impacts your ability to navigate conflict, and gaining a more compassionate understanding for what you’re feeling and why can help you show up more generously when dealing with conflict with a partner.

It’s also worth looking at your boundaries, how you communicate them, and if they’re functioning effectively for you. Conflict is harder to manage when we’re burned out, stretched too thin, or feel taken advantage of. Taking time to really reflect on your ability to set and enforce boundaries can be helpful if conflict keeps cropping up in your relationship.

For proactive care of the relationship:

No one can ever eliminate conflict from their relationship entirely, but with care and intention between partners, it can absolutely be reduced. It’s important to show up as a team not just in conflict, but to lay the foundation of love, care, and trust for when conflict does show up. Learning how to effectively communicate and how to care for one another without neglecting yourselves are ways to help strengthen your relationship as it grows. Without that strength, fighting feels riskier and many of us are unable to really “fight fair” without a strong foundation.

For fighting fair in conflict with your partner:

Arguements happen–there’s no way to avoid it, and it’s actually often worse if you do! But just because conflict occurs, doesn’t mean it has to topple your relationship. You can learn how to show up compassionately–wanting to hear your partner’s experience to better understand them, rather than just waiting for your turn to say what happened. Making space for one another’s experiences and feelings doesn’t have to mean one person wins and one person loses–it can actually help you both win by giving you the chance to understand each other better.