There is no greater betrayal in a marriage or relationship than discovering your
significant other has been
having an affair. It doesn’t matter if it’s been going on for days, weeks, months or even years. An affair is an
affair, and it’s a betrayal of huge proportions. The thing is, a lot of people don’t understand how to move on
from something as devastating as an affair and if that’s the case, you’re not alone. Regardless of the reason
behind the affair, you’ll find some helpful advice to guide you so you can begin to heal.
Make the choice to continue or end the relationship:
This is the first thing that you need to decide.
Whether you’re the person who strayed, or your partner was, you need to take some time and really sort out how
you want to recover from it. Think about whether the relationship can strengthen from overcoming the affair
and make sure that both sides are wanting to move on from it. If you are not sure, consider taking some time
to talk with trusted friends, family, or a counselor to help you talk out your options and how you feel about
each option.
It won’t be easy:
While this may seem obvious, you need to understand that this isn’t easy. Betrayal
is the biggest destroyer of trust, and trust is the easiest thing to lose and the hardest thing to get back.
It may take years before you are ready to trust again, and some of your time together may be filled with hurt,
arguments, and frustration. Not the prettiest picture, but it’s an honest one. Doubt is a natural part of this
process, but it is uncomfortable to go through. Your job is to determine if your relationship is worth
fighting for. If you’ve decided to go your separate ways, you will be faced with transitioning your life and
letting go of the vision you had for the life you had built together. Doubt and trust issues may follow you
into your next relationship, which can be interesting to navigate. Work on shifting your mindset to a place
where you can acknowledge that there will be challenges no matter what decision you make, but you can overcome
this with dignity, grace, and self-respect.
Even in the darkest moments, know you can do it:
When you’re considering reconciling with your
significant other after an affair know that, even if it is heartbreaking and frustrating, never lose sight of
the reminder that you can do this together. It’s possible to overcome an affair and be stronger than ever, but
you will need to put the work into it. Hang on and never give up. You’ll get to the other side with the
strength of the connection that you have to each other keeping you strong.
Get all of the issues out in the open:
You need to get everything out in the open when you’re hoping
to overcome an affair. Get out all of the secrets, answer all questions honestly, and make sure that you
communicate effectively with each other. This is the only way that you can begin to recover after an affair.
With that said, take care in the way you share. Many couples benefit from a good couples counselor helping
guide these conversations so they are repairing the relationship versus damaging it more.
Get professional help:
When you’re overcoming something as big as infidelity, getting professional
help is a good idea. Many people benefit from increasing their support system, but this can be hard to do with
certain friends and family. We do not always want to share the details of what we are going through with
people we know well. Couples counseling is a great way to work on your relationship, but consider adding in
individual therapy on top of couples counseling so you can both get the support you need. At the end of the
day, getting the help you and your significant other need will make the relationship stronger.
Commit seriously to each other:
Lastly, when you’re moving on from an affair and staying in the
current relationship, you need to commit to each other entirely. This means that there has to be absolute
certainty that neither person will have an affair again. This commitment is not just for the person who
strayed. Commitment is a choice, and it is one where both people should be equally committed to creating a new
version of their relationship together. While it may take a while to believe this, this commitment and keeping
up on it, is critical.
While it seems strange to think about, an affair can actually make a relationship stronger than it was before,
as long as both people are willing to move on from the affair and make sure it never happens again, emotionally
or otherwise. You will have fought for each other throughout it all, and this new bond and connection will be
the foundation of your new lives together.
Pivotal Counseling Center has therapists who work with couples and specialize in couples counseling and relationship issues. We have locations in Woodstock, Illinois, and Lake in the Hills, Illinois. If you are in need of someone to help, please consider giving us a call at (815) 345-3400.
Pivotal Counseling Center is now accepting Medicaid including Blue Cross Community Medicaid, Meridian Medicaid, and Molina Medicaid for outpatient counseling.
